People Will Disagree With You - But That’s OK
When we express to other people that we want to make changes, or that we want to do something new or different, it’s natural for us to be met with some disagreement and disapproval - including from people we respect or trust.
And when we’re met with the disagreement or disapproval of people we trust or anyone else for that matter, sometimes it causes us to question our decisions - even if we believe that what we decided is best for us.
But if we look closely at the nature of the disagreement, we find that what’s often at the heart of it is something that has nothing to do with us and has everything to do with that person.
In this episode, I give you a few reasons why people disagree with us, why ultimately that’s ok, and how we can start to move past it.
Episode Transcription
Intro:
When we express to other people that we want to make changes, or that we want to do something new or different, it’s natural for us to be met with some disagreement and disapproval - including from people we respect or trust.
And when we’re met with the disagreement or disapproval of people we trust or anyone else for that matter, sometimes it causes us to question our decisions - even if we believe that what we decided is best for us.
But if we look closely at the nature of the disagreement, we find that what’s often at the heart of it is something that has nothing to do with us and has everything to do with that person.
So in this episode, I want to give you a few reasons why people disagree with us, why ultimately that’s ok, and how we can start to move past it. Here we go.
Main:
Let’s talk about managing disagreement and disapproval.
And specifically I want to talk about it in the context of when we express to other people that we want to make changes, or that we want to do something new or different, or when we share our opinions or a new and unique idea that might not be consistent with the status quo.
This could be things like starting your own business, changing your career path, shaking up the way things are done in your company or on your team, or even major decisions in your personal life.
And I want to explain why this type of disagreement is perfectly normal and to be expected, and how you can move past it
To start though I want to tell you a story.
In 2016 I was working at an international law firm and had been there for about 5 years, and I made the decision that I wanted to leave and start my own law firm where I could represent fitness and health and wellness startups.
And so when I made the decision, one of the things I did was go around to people in my office who I had worked with for years and I told them that I was leaving the firm and of course part of the conversation was explaining to them what I was going to do.
And I want to share with you the reactions of two people I told.
The first one was from a partner I worked with and we’ll call him Thomas. Thomas has been an attorney for 30+ years and was a great guy who had mentored me and who I really respected. And I remember walking into Thomas’s office excited to tell him that I was leaving to start my own firm because I was expecting that he’d be happy for me.
But the moment I told him what I was going to do, he basically shook his head and kind of pursed his lips and he proceeded to tell to me that he thought I was making a huge mistake.
And I remember him citing off some kind of statistic that 70% of small businesses fail within the first year, and that by leaving the firm I was essentially making a terrible career decision.
He asked me why I was leaving and I told him that I saw an opportunity to start a business that I thought would make me fulfilled and happier day to day and that was going to help me grow personally and professionally.
Then he said to me something I’ll never forget - he said “You’re not supposed to be happy at work - that’s why they call it work” and he also said “I haven’t been happy at work in 30 years.” And he wasn’t joking. So that was reaction number one.
Reaction number two is similar and it involves a woman named Katie. Katie was also someone I worked a lot with over the years and had become a friend of mine. When I told her what I was doing, the first words she said were “Wow, I’m actually really scared for you. This seems very risky.”
Then she started asking me a whole bunch of questions about how I was going to make money, how was I going to get clients, and did I tell my family yet, and did they approve.
And I remember walking away from both of those conversations feeling a little confused, particularly because these were two people that I know cared for me and that I thought had my best interest in mind, and now they’ve basically positioned this decision as me making a huge mistake.
So I tell you these two stories because the thrust of the disagreement and disapproval that Thomas and Katie communicated to me is something that we all contend with when we express or try to create something new.
If you share an idea with enough people, some of them are going to disagree with you - and some of them are going to tell you right to your face that they disagree with you.
And it’s in that moment when someone we respect or even someone we don’t know that well tells us this that we run the risk of letting the disapproval of others disproportionately impact the decisions we make.
And I say disproportionately because in order to truly understand what to do with disapproval or disagreement in situations like this, we have to understand what’s often at the heart of the disapproval.
And I want to suggest to you that there are a few reasons why people will react this way when you express an intention like the one I expressed.
First, people will react like this because they want to protect you and because they support you, but based on their own emotions and how they feel, they don’t believe that the your decision is not what’s best for you. So it comes from a place of protection and genuine care, but what they’ve said is rooted in their own belief.
Second, sometimes people react this way because we are expressing an idea or an intention or a desire that they have for themselves, or that they wish they had for themselves, and when you say it out loud it brings up a range of emotions for them, maybe regret that they aren’t able to do what you’re doing or maybe feelings of shame that they haven’t been able to create that same thing for themselves.
Think about a time when someone has talked to you about something you want to do and you thought “man, I want to do that”, but since you don’t have the courage in the moment to do it yourself you hold back your praise for them? In other words we let some kind of resentment that we can’t have that thing, or an unfulfilled personal desire of our own, influence what we say to other people, even people that we like or love.
So even if someone admires you and thinks that what you’re doing is amazing, they may not tell you because it causes them to confront their own feelings.
And then third, they flat out might just not agree with what you’re doing. They might think its a dumb idea. They might fundamentally disagree with you. They might think you’re making a huge mistake.
But here’s what I want you to remember if you encounter this kind of response. In situations like this, it’s not about you, it’s about them.
People who comment on the choices we make are doing so through the lens of their own experience.
They’re viewing the choices you make based on events in their life, beliefs that they have, and experiences they’ve encountered that often have very little to do with you and have everything to do with them and who they are.
So in that moment when you experience resistance or disapproval, it’s an opportunity for you to acknowledge that their outward reaction toward whatever you have voiced is in large part a reflection of their experience.
Now what they have to say might hold some truth, and we’ll talk about that in a moment, but at the end of the day, if this thing, this change, is something you believe in, then you can’t let that disapproval or the anticipation of the potential for disagreement be the thing that prevents you from taking action.
We have to practice separating ourselves from what might feel like a personal attack on us so that we can view what’s being said objectively.
I’m not suggesting that you don’t listen to anyone. What I am suggesting is that you take what’s being said and you try to be perceptive enough to remove the layer of emotion that might be associated with disapproval so that you can analyze what’s really at the heart of the comment or the critique.
So going back to the two examples that I gave you, what Thomas and Katie said to me really stung me because I took it personally - I felt like their disagreement meant there was something inherently wrong with my intentions.
But looking back on it now, I see very clearly that it had everything to do with them and very little if anything to do with me - at least that’s my opinion now.
My opinion is that Thomas had been doing work for years that he didn’t like and so the idea of me expressing a desire to go do work I enjoyed touched on a nerve because very sadly, he didn’t get to experience that himself - and so that came out in the form of him being critical of my decision.
And looking back at what Katie said, she would never have any desire to take what she perceived as a huge risk and so her advice to me came in the form of a warning because that’s all that she could give me - she didn’t have any other experience or insight to draw from and the idea of me leaving and starting my own firm made her scared - and so she projected that fear in the form of advice.
Now interestingly, again I want to say that both of these people I’m sure actually had my best interest in mind - they cared about me - but this is why it’s easy for us to get so confused and so caught up in the disapproval or disagreement of others who we respect or admire.
There are lots of people who are close to us who really care about us, but who will caution us or pass on their fears in the form of advice.
So what do we do if we encounter someone who disagrees with or disapproves of something we’ve stated we want for ourselves?
I want to give you three specific things to think about as we wrap this up:
First, recognize that everything people say to us is said through the lens of their own experience.
We have no idea what kind of experiences or beliefs a person has that might be influencing what they say - it could be fear, regret, an uninformed opinion - so we have to take what they say with that in mind.
Second, when you’re met with disapproval of something you strongly believe in, try to strip it of anything that’s not factual and do your best to look at factual information only. In other words, boil it down to the facts so that you can take an objective look at what’s there. It’s important for us to not only listen to the message but also take into account the experiences or the beliefs of the messenger.
In my example, when I looked at the substance of what Thomas and Katie were actually saying, it was basically “I’ve heard this . . .” or “I believe that . . .”, and it wasn’t coming from a place of experience or fact - it was coming from a place of speculation and fear and guessing.
And then third, if you are going to take advice, seek advice from someone who has done what you want to do. It’s not a good idea to seek advice or approval on starting your own business from someone who has never started a business.
If you want to make a career change, you want to seek advice from someone who has successfully made a career change.
Those are the people who will be able to give you the most factual information.
And EVEN THEN, at the end of the day you still have to pass what they say through your own personal filter.
At all times we have to be aware that this is something that people might be doing unintentionally, and we have to have the presence of mind to recognize how it might be disproportionately affecting our actions.
Remember that people will disagree with you - but that’s ok. You always get to decide how you want to process that disagreement.
Go have a great workday.